


Revenge of the Turkeys

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Other, turkeys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 01:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5438243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Development in the neighborhood has led to... an interesting coalition of turkey vigilantes. They are HOT. Shamelessly. Literally.</p><p>Crack. 100% wildlife conspiracy theory, promised to a friend after I joked about the excessive amount of turkey-induced blackouts in my neighborhood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revenge of the Turkeys

**Author's Note:**

> Attack of the turkeys on my neighborhood. A conspiracy written to reflect neighborhood events. I swear, those turkeys are out to get us... ( ò-ó)
> 
> Sometimes I feel like trash ( ; ω ; )
> 
> My neighborhood is so uneventful and boring, sometimes I feel like turkeys are the most interesting thing here?

It was 4:39:25 in the morning of June 23, 2020, and the early morning light was filtering through the dry leaves of the gnarled trees. Beneath the makeshift swing on the riverbank, there was a small gathering of turkeys, who were puttering around carefully, trying not to make too much noise.

They called themselves the HOT, short for the Hostile Omnipotent Turkeys, and the fancied themselves vigilantes, or avengers of a sort.

They were an outlying group from the mainframe of turkey society, where turkey's were respected in an age based system... HOT was different in that an individual turkey's importance and position was to be determined by the accumulated points earned by extracting vengeance upon the encroachers on their beautiful home and careful habitats.

Much like ay other vigilante group, HOT had a constitution, or an agreement of sorts, describing of who HOT may consist of, and what HOT was created to do.

The contract:

* * *

* * *

 

**_The Constitution of the H.O.T. (Hostile Omnipotent Turkeys) as Defined by and Agreed Upon by the Whole Group, with Occasional but Good Addendums: title written by Glorious Gloria_ **

_body writun by dumb Durvid_

* * *

 

_group form beecuz ideal that we must protect all turkey-kind also preserve_

_our nest sleeping place and areas of convention. H.O.T. exists solely for purpose to driving malevolantt, ignorent, stupid butt, ugly invaders back to trash land. also for them take shiny stinking-shiny-rock killers with them!_

_group not based on seniority, not stupid old people, not exclusive too! we cel_

_come all... We welcome all turkeys. only turkey thou. oTher stupidhead like cat and coyote evil angry backstabber, deserve to die in whole by self_

_wish two be in group? must:_

_I. be alive_

_II. be turkey for most majestic bird and most supremely_

_III. ok to die for kill corn can_

_VI. protect auther turkey_

_V. complete three smol missions or one enorgigantibum mission per moon full health_

_VII. KIA or MIA will bestow full honor and inHall of good famousness_

_Addendums:_

~~_1\. accept other bird type if like turkey, also small animal_ ~~

~~_2\. turkey vulture squirrel rabbit are friends_ ~~

~~_3\. turkey wulture ate William, not friend_ ~~

~~_4\. squirrel ate my food, not friend_ ~~

~~_5\. rabbit only poop, useless and not friend_ ~~

_6\. ALL OTHER ANIMEL BADD NOT FROEND BUT FOE_

_7\. no other bird welcome_

* * *

* * *

 

As of 20:08:57 in the evening of June 24, 2020, Dumb David (who had failed school), Glorious Gloria (who had exceptionally fabulous plumage and excellent writing), Roadkill Reed (who had once been run over by a four year old in a golf cart), Stupendous Stanley (who had so confused a coyote with his antics that the coyote had walked into a wall), Brilliant Bree (who was the evil mastermind driving the organization), Old Ollie (who had lived before the invaders had ever set foot in the country... He was so old, he was practically dead. He still held the honorary position of group mascot), and nearly thirty other turkeys had vigorously signed the contract.

It is 4:37:22 about dawn of June 25, 2020... They commenced operation ekeltrickety, which had something to do with large green boxes and wires...

Phase One was going smoothly. Eight turkeys, a fair portion of HOT, had circled around an intersection, lying in ambush. A car had started on the winding curve and the new initiate, Curly Charlie, strutted out to greet it... The car swerved violently, and toppled a one of those... branch-less trees...

Ten points to Curly Charlie. Promotion to official member.

Phase Two was— actually— an unexpected development. No losses were expected. The turkeys bobbed their necks, chattering excitedly as they returned to camp to report their new win, thinking about the wild blackberries they would probably be having later.

Dumb David and Stupendous Stanley were chattering the loudest. They flapped their wings giddily, letting the wind catch them and let them slowly fall back to the ground, until David jumped over a transformer, and slammed headfirst into it. At 5:00:46 in the morning of June 25, 2020 the transformer was pierced and the entire neighborhood lost all power. Dumb David had inadvertently sacrificed himself to be the martyr of turkey-kind.

When the PG&E people found Dumb David's body, the neighborhood knew within three hours.

6:51:28 of June 26, 2020, hunters rode out on family horses to shoot themselves a turkey for thanksgiving.

By 6:58:39 of June 26, 2020, the entire turkey community had joined HOT. Brilliant Bree enlisted the help of the Outstanding Emu Brigade, who had won an official war with Australia and was consistently training and pruning an excellent army.

And thus the Terrifying Turkey War began...

**Author's Note:**

> Guys I think I gave myself cancer writing this. I'm off to go collect my poor, fried, abandoned brain cells and I'll probably tell you when I find them... On my tumblr (qr-sa)...
> 
> But I am dead as of now, so...
> 
> I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO ADD THAT THE GREAT EMU WAR IS A REAL THING... and the turkeys won. Only in Australia.


End file.
